Grieving the Unacceptable

Grief is not just for the death of a corporeal being. Humans grieve the loss of jobs, the loss of dreams, the loss of situations. Anytime there is a loss, real or perceived, humans may feel the sadness, heaviness, and physical sensations of grief such as loss of appetite and sleep disturbances. Grieving a situation that we loved and was enjoyable is completely understandable. However, it makes a lot less sense to grieve a situation that was abusive and stressful, but that’s where I find right now.

I’m choosing to walk away from a situation where I was being bullied and abused, but I’m still grieving. I’m grieving the certainty of a daily schedule, I’m grieving the casual conversation with people. I’m grieving the sense of purpose that comes from a shared mission. I’m grieving the routine of it all. I’m also a little freaked out about the financial aspects and it would be easy to dismiss what I’m feeling as angst over the practical aspects of the situation, but I’ve been around the block enough to know that most of what I’m feeling is grief.

This is not an unfamiliar place for me to be in. I’ve grieved the loss of situations, acceptable and unacceptable, before. I’ve grieved graduations as that meant no more studying arcane academic subjects and drawing conclusions; I’ve grieved moving out of Chicago even though it meant no more gunfire across the street from my apartment; and I’ve grieved the loss of less than optimal jobs before. I also grieved the loss of my abusive marriage.

It took me a lot of introspection and hard work to realize that while grieving a situation where I had been physically, think beaten with a baseball bat, and verbally abused, in a weird way it made sense because I had been raised to believe that the only worth a woman had was in getting married and raising children. I’d been conditioned to believe that anything I wanted for myself, such as attending writing retreats, was selfish. The result of those beliefs was that I stayed in my marriage longer than I should have, and that it took time and a lot of hard work for me to mentally divorce the situation. However, along the way I learned a lot of valuable lessons that are proving helpful in my current situation. Although some of the guidance below may seem contradictory, healing is a journey and there are no instant answers.

Permission to Grieve

After my divorce, I found myself in a spiral where I would be sad and grieving and then would beat myself up for grieving a situation that was mentally and physically damaging. I’d call myself horrible names and was convinced that I was so broken and worthless that I didn’t deserve happiness. It was only with time and the help of my personal recovery team, which included an acupuncturist and a therapist, that I realized it was okay to grieve a bad situation. One of the best things I did for myself was to make a list of the good things and realize that those were what I was mourning, and not the abuse. Although, this did not stop the sadness and grief, it did stop me from beating myself up.

Name and Claim Your Emotions

When I’m grieving, especially the loss of a situation and not a loved one, I have a tendency to want to stay busy. There is a part of me that thinks that I can power through anything and that if I keep busy enough, I can outrun my feelings. I’ve also been known to numb my feelings with sugar and alcohol. However, I learned the hard way that you can only run so far and eventually the loneliness, sadness, and whatever hard emotions you’ve been trying to avoid. I learned this the hard way, sitting on the steps of the Pabst Mansion in Milwaukee.

My husband had left me and while I had broken down at first, I had worked hard to stuff all the emotions inside and move on with my life. I was on a business trip to Milwaukee and I went for a walk after work and I found myself sitting on the steps of the Pabst Mansion and I broke down and cried and cried and cried. What I realized sitting on those steps is that while I had allowed myself to feel sadness, I had never allowed myself to feel the cold hard anger I felt at him leaving me after years of abuse. I had never allowed myself to name and claim the shame I felt for putting up with the years of abuse.

However, as hard and painful as that moment was, it was the beginning of my true healing as I was finally able to feel my anger, feel the shame, and once I named and claimed the emotions, I was able to start healing. The healing wasn’t instantaneous, but being able to just be honest with myself about all the conflicting emotions helped me name and claim them.

Remember the Bad

There were times after my divorce when I would get nostalgic for the good times and find myself glossing over the bad. I would be remembering our first kiss, trips we took, my ex’s smile at the birth of his children. At those times, I would tell myself it wasn’t that bad. And I would start spiraling and beating myself over losing my marriage. I would hear my mother’s voice in my head telling me it was all my fault.

The second–or maybe 10th–time, I started spiraling and blaming myself. I forced myself to start remembering the worst times of my marriage. The cruel insults, the sabotage, and the physical abuse. I made myself remember very specific incidents in painful detail. I found that reminding myself of these very painful incidents helped me to remember that I had not walked away from something that was mostly good with a little bad sprinkled in. I had walked away from something that was mostly nasty with just a little good sprinkled on top. I reminded myself that even the supposedly good times were tinged with bad.

I forced myself to write all of those painful memories down so that the next time I started beating myself up for my divorce, I would be able to quickly recall all the reasons I’d left. The very act of writing them down, meant that the next time, I quickly remembered all the reasons I had divorced my ex and was able to pull myself out of the spiral much more quickly.

FEAR Not

Within the sacred rooms of AA and Al-Anon, there is a saying that FEAR is nothing more than False Expectations Appearing Real. I am reminding myself of this regularly as my brain immediately goes to “I’m going to be homeless tomorrow, I should have just accepted the abuse as at least I would have a roof over my head.” That is the scary place that my brain goes to even though I am still collecting a paycheck, I have money in the bank, and I’ve had three interviews in the past week. Realistically, if I am careful with what I have available to me, I can pay my bills for the better part of a year.

However, logically knowing what my bank balance is and knowing I have other resources available to me, just not prevent these false expectations as presenting themselves as real. When this happens, I go through all the facts in my brain and think about what I can do right now to change my financial situation. Some of those things are looking for and applying for jobs, writing on my blog as a reminder that other people have tough times, reaching out to contacts who might have leads on jobs, and a whole host of other activities that prove I still have agency.

Do Something

Grief can lead to situational depression, which is defined as a depression that is directly related to a stressful or traumatic situation. Symptoms of situational depression are similar to those of grief and can include trouble eating or sleeping, crying, and sadness. Therapy can be useful, but I’ve also found that just doing something can help me function and work my way out of situational depression. As I noted above, taking tiny steps directly related to the situation can be incredibly helpful. If you’ve lost a job small steps to find a job can help. If you’re facing divorce, calling a lawyer or looking for a support group can be helpful.

I’ve also found that even small steps not directly related to the situation can help me to feel better about myself and can help motivate me. One of my favorite ways to start being productive is to make a to-do list of things to do around the house. My list is always in very granular detail. For instance, instead of cleaning the dining room, my list will include things like “clean off the dining room table” and “organize the place mats.” My tasks are mostly tasks that can be completed in 5 minutes or less. Once I have a task list, I will set a timer for 20 minutes or so and work though as many tasks as I can. Sometimes when the timer goes off, I keep working, but other times I will stop with no guilt because I did something.

I also use the timer trick to limit one of my favorite distractions, binge watching TV shows. I’ll allow myself 20 minutes or so to watch a show, then take a break to clean house. It isn’t a perfect solution, but being productive and not sitting in my jammies all day eating bonbons and watching junk TV.

Nurture Yourself

Nurturing yourself can take many forms. It can mean taking a long bath, getting a massage, or taking a nap. It can also mean getting up off the couch and taking a short walk around the block. It can mean taking time to cook yourself a nourishing meal. Or if cooking seems too overwhelming, it can mean Door Dashing, putting the food on a real plate, and eating at the table instead of on the couch. Nurturing yourself can also mean cleaning your home and lighting a candle.

I’ve learned over the years that nurturing myself is really about sending myself the message through action that I matter. I matter enough to eat healthy food instead of fast food. I matter enough to have a clean and comfortable home. I matter enough to exercise my body. There are days when I love myself and days when I don’t, but I work hard to remind myself every day that I matter.

One thing that self nurturing doesn’t have to be is expensive. It would be easy to assume that self nurturing is all about spending money by staying in a hotel or getting a massage. However, self nurturing is not about spending yourself into the red zone financially, it is about saying to yourself loudly and clearly that you matter. And that doesn’t have to involve spending any money at all.

Be Kind to Yourself

The last tidbit of guidance I have goes along with nurturing yourself, but it is bigger than that. It is all about treating yourself with kindness and respect. Something may have been taken away from you, you may be grieving something that wasn’t good for you, or you may be mourning having to move on. However, whatever situation you are mourning, please know that you deserve to be happy and you deserve to be respected. If you’ve found yourself grieving a bad situation, please know that it is okay to grieve and it doesn’t make you maschocistic. It just makes you human.